Wow, a few months ago weeks would go by without a word to report, so I really didn't need to be very attentive at keeping up my blog, but just in the past couple of weeks things have really moved along. I haven't been keeping up not because there isn't anything to write about but because things are moving so fast I haven't had a minute to write it all down. As it is, I'm writing this on my BlackBerry on the train on the way to work... which is about the most multitasking that I do.
The big news is that everything is proceeding quickly with Caesar and we are now on the fast track to having him move in on Friday, December 4. For anyone who hasn't read my last few blog posts, Caesar is the 16-year-old boy we have been getting to know and who we are bringing into our family with the ultimate goal being adoption. In my last post I wrote about how we had spent our first day together with his social worker there to help ease the transition. Since then we have spent a lot of time alone with Caesar and he has had the chance to stay over several times and see what our daily life is like. It's not all dining out and taking day trips to walk around the city. Chris has taken him grocery shopping, he's been helping us with taking out the garbage and other chores and we've spent Sunday mornings reading the paper and watching videos. Of course, once in a while we do get to do fun things. He knows we like to travel and he's excited to think about where we might go for our first trip together.
GETTING TO KNOW CAESAR
Caesar is a very special and wonderful kid. He seems to really enjoy just hanging out with us talking, playing board games, cooking or whatever. Unlike most 16-year-olds I know, which is admittedly not many, he seems to thrive on attention from adults, which is great for us because we said from the beginning that we want someone who wants to participate and be part of the family. He's very much into music, and Chris and I have been getting a crash course in all the popular singers and songs on the charts these days. As someone who hasn't bought a top 40 album in years (is it ok to still call them albums?) and who is only familiar with names of popular singers based on reading in the news about who dissed whom at the XYZ Awards Show, I've been surprised at how much I enjoy the music he listens to. Here we were thinking we were going to turn him onto show tunes (which could still happen) and now I'm ready to get tickets to see Lady Gaga when she comes to San Francisco!
We can tell that Caesar is starting to feel more comfortable with us because he is able to share more parts of his personality. We've seen the quiet pensive side of him as well as the goofy fun side. Sometimes he'll behave very maturely and responsibly and sometimes we're reminded that it wasn't so long ago that he was a child and that he's still learning how to be a young adult.
We are fortunate to live in a district with great schools, but considering all the changes with home and family, we assumed that Caesar would want to continue at the same school he's been going to so that at least he could stay with his friends there. We were surprised and a little glad to learn that he is actually looking forward to transferring to the local high school, hopefully for next semester. I think this will help us stay more involved and connected to what's going on with school, which will be helpful. As it is, I think he's going to be receiving more attention and support regarding academics now than he has been getting in foster care, so that is definitely a good thing.
We are thrilled that Caesar has chosen to spend Thanksgiving with us and that he will get a chance to meet much of Chris's side of the family then. Our family is pretty big though so it will probably take several visits to meet eveyone! For now we're just thankful that Caesar is excited about joining our family and will be spending Thanksgiving with us in his new home.
More updates soon!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
OUR SECOND DATE
Things are really starting to happen now! We had our second meeting with Caesar this week; since Caesar and I both had Veteran’s Day off and Chris was able to schedule his work for later in the day, we all spent Wednesday together in San Francisco.
CHINATOWN
We met Caesar with his social worker, Tricia, at the BART (commuter rail) station and took the train into the city. We decided to go to Chinatown, since there is so much to see and do, and because he had never been there. The crowds weren’t too bad… Chinatown is always crowded, but it wasn’t as insane as I’ve seen it on weekends, so it seemed like a good time to be there. We started off walking up Grant Avenue, which is one of the main streets and is mostly tourist shops selling flip flops and mini license plates with names on them (one place actually had a “Troy” license plate, but Caesar came to terms long ago with the reality that he can never find his name on souvenir license plates, keychains or refrigerator magnets). He was really taken by all the sights and sounds: the red lanterns hanging on buildings and in the street, the stores with huge ivory sculptures in the windows (boo, ivory!), the old man playing a traditional Chinese instrument in front of a church. We did a lot of window shopping and people watching, which is one of the best things to do anywhere in San Francisco!
It was about noon at that time and we were getting hungry, so we stopped for lunch. We decided to go to Brandy Ho’s , which is a chain restaurant that I’ve seen in several places now. I was hoping to go to a traditional dim sum restaurant where they roll carts around the restaurant with many small appetizer-sized plates (like Chinese tapas?) and you pick the items you like and everything gets tallied up at the end. However it turned out to be a good choice to go to Brandy Ho’s since Caesar is a bit of a picky eater… he does like a number of foods but he hasn’t had a lot of experience with various cuisines so it was good to go with something he was familiar with at first. We got pot stickers and pork chow mein, which he knew he would like, but we also tried some new things too. We got a vegetable dish that had carrots (which he knows he likes), bok choy (which he had never tried but is similar to things he likes), and tofu (which he had never tried and is probably nothing like anything he had ever eaten before). We had a few other dishes and were pretty stuffed by the time we finished.
After lunch we started walking back toward the train but walked down Stockton Street this time. While Grant Avenue is more of the touristy side of Chinatown, Stockton Street caters to the Chinese residents of the city. Most of the signs on the stores are all in Chinese with no English. Instead of souvenir and electronics stores, there are produce and fish markets and stores that sell Chinese herbs and medicines. We also ventured into some of the alleys between the main streets. I have lived in the Bay Area for 16 years and had never known they existed, so it’s no wonder that there were very few tourists in the alleys. There were some smaller stores and shops, and people living in the floors above had their laundry hanging out to dry on the fire escapes. In one of the alleys was a fortune cookie factory and we decided to go in to check it out. Basically it was a big room with a couple of machines cranking out the big, flat, round cookies and two women who sat next to the machines and folded them into the fortune cookie shape one after the other. We bought a couple of bags of fortune cookies and headed back toward the train.
SHOPPING!
Before we got back on BART we decided to stop in at some of the big department stores – Macy’s, Bloomingdales and Nordstrom – just to take a look around and maybe get an idea of some things he might like for Christmas. He had never been to Bloomingdales (I know, right?) so it was neat to see his reaction as we went from department to department. When we finally left Nordstrom we were dumped out into the Westfield Mall, so we went to Hot Topic, which is a store that caters to teens and which Caesar is a big fan of. So now the tables were turned and he got to show us around someplace we had never been. The two things that caught me off guard were the cases (yes multiple cases) of body jewelry – nipple rings, belly button rings, etc., as well as the fact that the music they were playing sounded a lot like the music I listened to in high school. Ah well, le plus ca change…
MOVING RIGHT ALONG
All in all, it was a successful visit. Yeah, there were times when we were just hanging out and not saying much, but when we had something to talk about, Caesar would participate in the conversation and had no problem giving his opinion on things. We definitely want him to like us, so we’re nervous about saying and doing the right things, but we realize it’s just going to take time for us to get to know each other. That said, the next step is going to be us bringing him over to our house. And this time without his social worker! We’re planning to pick him up on Sunday morning and take him out to breakfast, maybe see a movie, and then just hang out at our house. Basically a typical Sunday afternoon for us. At some point in the afternoon we’ll all go food shopping for the week and then make dinner together. I think it will be nice to just sort of hang out together, since life is not all trips to the city or one big adventure after another. I think this will let Caesar start to see what life with us might be like.
CHINATOWN
We met Caesar with his social worker, Tricia, at the BART (commuter rail) station and took the train into the city. We decided to go to Chinatown, since there is so much to see and do, and because he had never been there. The crowds weren’t too bad… Chinatown is always crowded, but it wasn’t as insane as I’ve seen it on weekends, so it seemed like a good time to be there. We started off walking up Grant Avenue, which is one of the main streets and is mostly tourist shops selling flip flops and mini license plates with names on them (one place actually had a “Troy” license plate, but Caesar came to terms long ago with the reality that he can never find his name on souvenir license plates, keychains or refrigerator magnets). He was really taken by all the sights and sounds: the red lanterns hanging on buildings and in the street, the stores with huge ivory sculptures in the windows (boo, ivory!), the old man playing a traditional Chinese instrument in front of a church. We did a lot of window shopping and people watching, which is one of the best things to do anywhere in San Francisco!
It was about noon at that time and we were getting hungry, so we stopped for lunch. We decided to go to Brandy Ho’s , which is a chain restaurant that I’ve seen in several places now. I was hoping to go to a traditional dim sum restaurant where they roll carts around the restaurant with many small appetizer-sized plates (like Chinese tapas?) and you pick the items you like and everything gets tallied up at the end. However it turned out to be a good choice to go to Brandy Ho’s since Caesar is a bit of a picky eater… he does like a number of foods but he hasn’t had a lot of experience with various cuisines so it was good to go with something he was familiar with at first. We got pot stickers and pork chow mein, which he knew he would like, but we also tried some new things too. We got a vegetable dish that had carrots (which he knows he likes), bok choy (which he had never tried but is similar to things he likes), and tofu (which he had never tried and is probably nothing like anything he had ever eaten before). We had a few other dishes and were pretty stuffed by the time we finished.
After lunch we started walking back toward the train but walked down Stockton Street this time. While Grant Avenue is more of the touristy side of Chinatown, Stockton Street caters to the Chinese residents of the city. Most of the signs on the stores are all in Chinese with no English. Instead of souvenir and electronics stores, there are produce and fish markets and stores that sell Chinese herbs and medicines. We also ventured into some of the alleys between the main streets. I have lived in the Bay Area for 16 years and had never known they existed, so it’s no wonder that there were very few tourists in the alleys. There were some smaller stores and shops, and people living in the floors above had their laundry hanging out to dry on the fire escapes. In one of the alleys was a fortune cookie factory and we decided to go in to check it out. Basically it was a big room with a couple of machines cranking out the big, flat, round cookies and two women who sat next to the machines and folded them into the fortune cookie shape one after the other. We bought a couple of bags of fortune cookies and headed back toward the train.
SHOPPING!
Before we got back on BART we decided to stop in at some of the big department stores – Macy’s, Bloomingdales and Nordstrom – just to take a look around and maybe get an idea of some things he might like for Christmas. He had never been to Bloomingdales (I know, right?) so it was neat to see his reaction as we went from department to department. When we finally left Nordstrom we were dumped out into the Westfield Mall, so we went to Hot Topic, which is a store that caters to teens and which Caesar is a big fan of. So now the tables were turned and he got to show us around someplace we had never been. The two things that caught me off guard were the cases (yes multiple cases) of body jewelry – nipple rings, belly button rings, etc., as well as the fact that the music they were playing sounded a lot like the music I listened to in high school. Ah well, le plus ca change…
MOVING RIGHT ALONG
All in all, it was a successful visit. Yeah, there were times when we were just hanging out and not saying much, but when we had something to talk about, Caesar would participate in the conversation and had no problem giving his opinion on things. We definitely want him to like us, so we’re nervous about saying and doing the right things, but we realize it’s just going to take time for us to get to know each other. That said, the next step is going to be us bringing him over to our house. And this time without his social worker! We’re planning to pick him up on Sunday morning and take him out to breakfast, maybe see a movie, and then just hang out at our house. Basically a typical Sunday afternoon for us. At some point in the afternoon we’ll all go food shopping for the week and then make dinner together. I think it will be nice to just sort of hang out together, since life is not all trips to the city or one big adventure after another. I think this will let Caesar start to see what life with us might be like.
Friday, November 6, 2009
AT LONG LAST, WE MEET
Great news! We finally got to meet the 16-year-old that we’ve been learning about these past few weeks. Since things went so well and it looks like we’re all going to try to proceed with the placement, I think it’s ok for me to finally reveal that his name is Caesar.
DISCLOSURE
We started the disclosure process last week. This is where we met with Caesar’s social workers and a representative from the county to discuss his current situation, family and medical history, his strengths and any areas where he’s having challenges, etc. As it turns out, Caesar’s child welfare worker attended, but he is new to the agency and was recently assigned to him, so he didn’t realize that he was responsible for bringing all of Caesar’s past records and reports with him to the meeting. Also, since he had only met him once, he didn’t have much that he could add other than his initial impressions of Caesar. Fortunately, Caesar’s placement social worker, Tricia, has known him for years and she was able to tell us a lot about him. It was still frustrating though not to have all the documents available since we had been waiting for this appointment for a month. I could feel myself getting a little angry when the county worker suggested that we reschedule. I had had to bump a whole day’s worth of patients just to schedule this one meeting, and most of them had been waiting weeks or months to be seen, so I was not excited to have to do it again. Fortunately, we were able to complete the meeting over the phone in a conference call on Monday. We had all the documents faxed to us, and once Chris and I had a chance to review everything and get all of our questions answered, we decided we were ready to move forward.
MEETING CAESAR
At this point, no one had told Caesar yet that there was a couple interested in adopting him. They wanted to wait until we had all the documents and had “full disclosure” before they told him about us. How awful would that be to have to tell a kid, “You remember that couple that was interested in adopting you? Well, once they read your file and found out what you’re really like they changed their mind and don’t want to meet you after all.” Of course, that wasn’t the case, and once we decided to go ahead, Tricia was quick to let Caesar know. We set up our first meeting for last night (Thursday).
A day or two before, I did a Google search using the keywords “teen” “activities” “downtown” and “Walnut Creek”. I soon learned that there are absolutely NO teen activities in downtown Walnut Creek. Basically we have restaurants and stores. No bowling, no miniature golf, no arcades. Nothing. That’s ok though, we met Caesar and Tricia at California Pizza Kitchen for dinner and had time to talk and get to know each other. He was impressed at how pretty the downtown area is… most of the trees have strings of white lights on them at night all year round, not only at Christmastime. We had a great conversation that went from favorite foods (both favorite to eat and favorite to cook), to what we all did on Halloween, to our favorite rides at Great America Amusement Park, to our favorite scary movies. We were both expecting Caesar to be somewhat shy, and he was a little at first, but he loosened up really quickly and it wasn’t long before he was in the middle of the conversation sharing his opinions and laughing at our jokes and making some of his own.
After we ate we took a short walk around the Downtown Plaza, window shopping outside the Crate and Barrel and all the clothing stores. Caesar was free with his opinions on some of the fashions (“Oh my god, I LOVE those shoes!”) and having a parallel activity actually helped the conversation to flow even better. However, it was getting late and Tricia had to take Caesar home, so we took a few pictures (I’ll post them if/when the adoptive placement goes through) and made plans for our next visit. We all have the day off from work/school next Wednesday, which is Veterans’ Day, so we are going to plan some activity where we can spend a few hours together during the day. This visit will also be with both Caesar and Tricia, and if things go well, we may take Caesar out next Saturday by ourselves. We admitted as we were saying goodbye that Chris and I had both been nervous and excited to meet him but that we had a great time and liked him a lot, and we were looking forward to seeing him again. He agreed that he had been nervous too but that he also had a lot of fun.
About a half hour after we got home, we got a call from Tricia. She had just dropped Caesar off and wanted to call to let us know how excited he was on the car ride back. She told us that he’s really looking forward to next Wednesday, and we were glad because we are too!
More updates as they happen!
DISCLOSURE
We started the disclosure process last week. This is where we met with Caesar’s social workers and a representative from the county to discuss his current situation, family and medical history, his strengths and any areas where he’s having challenges, etc. As it turns out, Caesar’s child welfare worker attended, but he is new to the agency and was recently assigned to him, so he didn’t realize that he was responsible for bringing all of Caesar’s past records and reports with him to the meeting. Also, since he had only met him once, he didn’t have much that he could add other than his initial impressions of Caesar. Fortunately, Caesar’s placement social worker, Tricia, has known him for years and she was able to tell us a lot about him. It was still frustrating though not to have all the documents available since we had been waiting for this appointment for a month. I could feel myself getting a little angry when the county worker suggested that we reschedule. I had had to bump a whole day’s worth of patients just to schedule this one meeting, and most of them had been waiting weeks or months to be seen, so I was not excited to have to do it again. Fortunately, we were able to complete the meeting over the phone in a conference call on Monday. We had all the documents faxed to us, and once Chris and I had a chance to review everything and get all of our questions answered, we decided we were ready to move forward.
MEETING CAESAR
At this point, no one had told Caesar yet that there was a couple interested in adopting him. They wanted to wait until we had all the documents and had “full disclosure” before they told him about us. How awful would that be to have to tell a kid, “You remember that couple that was interested in adopting you? Well, once they read your file and found out what you’re really like they changed their mind and don’t want to meet you after all.” Of course, that wasn’t the case, and once we decided to go ahead, Tricia was quick to let Caesar know. We set up our first meeting for last night (Thursday).
A day or two before, I did a Google search using the keywords “teen” “activities” “downtown” and “Walnut Creek”. I soon learned that there are absolutely NO teen activities in downtown Walnut Creek. Basically we have restaurants and stores. No bowling, no miniature golf, no arcades. Nothing. That’s ok though, we met Caesar and Tricia at California Pizza Kitchen for dinner and had time to talk and get to know each other. He was impressed at how pretty the downtown area is… most of the trees have strings of white lights on them at night all year round, not only at Christmastime. We had a great conversation that went from favorite foods (both favorite to eat and favorite to cook), to what we all did on Halloween, to our favorite rides at Great America Amusement Park, to our favorite scary movies. We were both expecting Caesar to be somewhat shy, and he was a little at first, but he loosened up really quickly and it wasn’t long before he was in the middle of the conversation sharing his opinions and laughing at our jokes and making some of his own.
After we ate we took a short walk around the Downtown Plaza, window shopping outside the Crate and Barrel and all the clothing stores. Caesar was free with his opinions on some of the fashions (“Oh my god, I LOVE those shoes!”) and having a parallel activity actually helped the conversation to flow even better. However, it was getting late and Tricia had to take Caesar home, so we took a few pictures (I’ll post them if/when the adoptive placement goes through) and made plans for our next visit. We all have the day off from work/school next Wednesday, which is Veterans’ Day, so we are going to plan some activity where we can spend a few hours together during the day. This visit will also be with both Caesar and Tricia, and if things go well, we may take Caesar out next Saturday by ourselves. We admitted as we were saying goodbye that Chris and I had both been nervous and excited to meet him but that we had a great time and liked him a lot, and we were looking forward to seeing him again. He agreed that he had been nervous too but that he also had a lot of fun.
About a half hour after we got home, we got a call from Tricia. She had just dropped Caesar off and wanted to call to let us know how excited he was on the car ride back. She told us that he’s really looking forward to next Wednesday, and we were glad because we are too!
More updates as they happen!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
DISCLOSURE MEETING IS FINALLY SCHEDULED
We still have not had our disclosure meeting yet to learn more about “C”, but at least it is finally scheduled! We’re planning a meeting with everyone on the team in about a week, on October 28. Once that is completed, if we decide to proceed, they will tell C about us and he can decide if he wants to meet us. You never know, a 16 year old might not even want to be adopted, but from his social worker it sounds like he probably does. Anyway, if he wants to meet us we'll arrange a few visits and if all goes well he could be living with us in a few weeks.
We’re also hearing from our friends who we met in our training classes, and most of us are at some stage in the matching process. Some of us are waiting for our disclosure meetings, one couple has been visiting with the child they want to adopt, and another couple already has their child living with them. This is a really exciting time for everyone and I love hearing about the fun stuff but also the challenges and seeing some of the creative ways they are handling things as they come up. One of our friends is still waiting for a match, and she actually went through the training classes before us so she has been waiting for a while. She has come close in the past but things fell through, which is definitely frustrating. Chris and I know how that feels since we’ve had some disappointments too, so although we’re hoping that things will move ahead with C, we aren’t going to count this chicken until it’s hatched.
We’re also hearing from our friends who we met in our training classes, and most of us are at some stage in the matching process. Some of us are waiting for our disclosure meetings, one couple has been visiting with the child they want to adopt, and another couple already has their child living with them. This is a really exciting time for everyone and I love hearing about the fun stuff but also the challenges and seeing some of the creative ways they are handling things as they come up. One of our friends is still waiting for a match, and she actually went through the training classes before us so she has been waiting for a while. She has come close in the past but things fell through, which is definitely frustrating. Chris and I know how that feels since we’ve had some disappointments too, so although we’re hoping that things will move ahead with C, we aren’t going to count this chicken until it’s hatched.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
AN INFORMATIONAL MEETING
We did have our meeting last week regarding the 16 year old boy (“C”) who we were contacted about for matching. It was not a true disclosure meeting, which will come later and will be much more complete, but rather it was just a meeting with me and Chris, our social worker Gloria, and C’s social worker Tricia to give us a little more information to let us know more about him so we could decide if we want to proceed to disclosure. Usually they will only have a disclosure meeting if you are pretty sure you want to move ahead with a particular child. At disclosure you learn everything about the child including their medical and mental health history, family history, legal/custody issues, academic performance, and any behavioral concerns. If it turns out there are issues that you are not prepared to deal with, the disclosure meeting is your chance to back out before they inform the child of your existence (understandably they don’t want the child to know that someone changed their mind and decided they didn’t want them after all), so this is the time to ask ALL your questions.
The informational meeting we had went very well. We had been a little unsure about things because C is a little older than we were planning on, but Tricia helped to settle any doubts. He really does sound like a great match for our family! She described him as being a little shy, but is just now starting to come out of his shell. He’s an easy-going kid and not a typical rebellious teen (yet?), he’s respectful of adults including his teachers and his current foster parents, and he works hard at school. We also have a lot of the same interests as him, including singing, music, and cooking. It was funny because Tricia mentioned that C is interested in learning to decorate cakes and maybe doing it as a profession someday… and we told her about our website (www.troyandchris.com) where we posted a picture of a cake I decorated for a friend’s birthday. Oy! Such a perfect match! We could take classes together! But I think the best part of our meeting was seeing how much Tricia genuinely likes him. He’s a good kid and she really wants good things for him. She noted that there had been a match that had fallen through a while back, and she was hoping that it meant that he would be available for an even better match that would come along later. After our meeting we are all thinking that better match might be us.
MOVING AHEAD
So of course, we decided to move ahead with disclosure. It is going to involve coordinating the schedules of many busy people, and it always seems that at any given time one or two of these people are on vacation. But hopefully the disclosure meeting will happen this week or next. If all goes well with disclosure, the next step would be to meet C. We first would hang out for the day with him and Tricia and get to know each other. We would then have a few longer visits with just the three of us, maybe have him stay at our house for the weekend, and we can all decide if we want to make it permanent. If all goes well, we’re hoping that the process might be done by Thanksgiving, which would definitely give us a lot to be thankful for.
The informational meeting we had went very well. We had been a little unsure about things because C is a little older than we were planning on, but Tricia helped to settle any doubts. He really does sound like a great match for our family! She described him as being a little shy, but is just now starting to come out of his shell. He’s an easy-going kid and not a typical rebellious teen (yet?), he’s respectful of adults including his teachers and his current foster parents, and he works hard at school. We also have a lot of the same interests as him, including singing, music, and cooking. It was funny because Tricia mentioned that C is interested in learning to decorate cakes and maybe doing it as a profession someday… and we told her about our website (www.troyandchris.com) where we posted a picture of a cake I decorated for a friend’s birthday. Oy! Such a perfect match! We could take classes together! But I think the best part of our meeting was seeing how much Tricia genuinely likes him. He’s a good kid and she really wants good things for him. She noted that there had been a match that had fallen through a while back, and she was hoping that it meant that he would be available for an even better match that would come along later. After our meeting we are all thinking that better match might be us.
MOVING AHEAD
So of course, we decided to move ahead with disclosure. It is going to involve coordinating the schedules of many busy people, and it always seems that at any given time one or two of these people are on vacation. But hopefully the disclosure meeting will happen this week or next. If all goes well with disclosure, the next step would be to meet C. We first would hang out for the day with him and Tricia and get to know each other. We would then have a few longer visits with just the three of us, maybe have him stay at our house for the weekend, and we can all decide if we want to make it permanent. If all goes well, we’re hoping that the process might be done by Thanksgiving, which would definitely give us a lot to be thankful for.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
THE PLIGHT OF THE BACKUP FAMILY
It has now been about 8 weeks since we first took our names off the matching list. If you recall, we originally agreed to postpone our matching process for six weeks until the county could decide if they were going to remove N and R from their current foster care placement. Gloria told us that they weren’t quite at the point where they had made a decision yet, so we decided to extend our availability as a back up family for an additional two weeks. But now that those two extra weeks are up, Chris and I are ready to say that we are tired of being a back up family. We had already missed out on a child we were expecting to move forward with because we were the second family in line and the child went to the family ahead of us. As it turns out, Gloria did get back to us about a week ago to report that it looks like the county is going to push for permanency (i.e. adoption) with N and R’s current foster family, but that they’d like us to hang on for a little longer to see how it’s going.
ANOTHER PROSPECTIVE MATCH
At this point we were considering being a little pushier with Gloria and telling her that since it looks like the county will likely proceed with adoption for N and R, we would like to start the matching process now rather than waiting until all the papers were signed. But it turned out we didn’t need to do that, since we got a call from Gloria on Tuesday with the news that she has identified another youth that she thinks would be a good match for us. I won’t use his name until we know if he will be placed with us, so I’ll just call him “C”. All I will say for now is that he’s 16 years old and based on what Gloria has told us about his interests and his personality, he sounds like he would fit well with our family. We have a disclosure meeting scheduled for this Monday where we will learn a lot more about him and we can decide if we want to move forward. Details on how that turns out in my next post!
ANOTHER PROSPECTIVE MATCH
At this point we were considering being a little pushier with Gloria and telling her that since it looks like the county will likely proceed with adoption for N and R, we would like to start the matching process now rather than waiting until all the papers were signed. But it turned out we didn’t need to do that, since we got a call from Gloria on Tuesday with the news that she has identified another youth that she thinks would be a good match for us. I won’t use his name until we know if he will be placed with us, so I’ll just call him “C”. All I will say for now is that he’s 16 years old and based on what Gloria has told us about his interests and his personality, he sounds like he would fit well with our family. We have a disclosure meeting scheduled for this Monday where we will learn a lot more about him and we can decide if we want to move forward. Details on how that turns out in my next post!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
UPDATE WITHOUT MUCH TO SAY
It has been about a month since we took our names off the list for child matching while Social Services decides if they are going to remove N and R from their current foster placement and place them with us. There really hasn't been any progress on this front, but people have been asking us about it so I thought I'd post something so everyone would know we're still in a holding pattern. We did hear from Gloria (after a gentle reminder) who said that things have been pretty quiet at the kids' current foster home but they expect more conflict once school starts, which it just did. Maybe because with school comes nagging about homework, bedtime, etc.? We decided we will wait for another two or three weeks to see how things are coming along but if there's no progress we'll put our names back in for matching with another child - or children. This is really turning into quite a ride, and we don't even have kids yet!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
NEW DEVELOPMENTS
The last time I posted I had written about how we provided respite care a few weekends ago for two brothers, "N" and "R", but there have been a couple of other developments on the adoption front since then.
THE FIRST DEVELOPMENT
We had previously told our social worker, Charles, that we are interested in expanding our search to include younger kids, but since we had originally gone through the Pride & Joy program we didn't learn the process for looking up youth in the foster system database. He had us come in one morning so we could discuss it and take a look at the online database. There is a public website available that lists a couple hundred kids in foster care with a short bio and their picture, but there are a lot more kids on the private website who, for whatever reasons, they don't want on the public site. They are accessible only by the social workers, and these were the kids we got to take a look at. We spent about an hour looking at the various profiles but didn't make notes on the ones we were interested in learning more about so we had to go back and do it over. Of course, we had to get back to work so we were kind of rushed, but we did identify five boys that each seemed like a good fit for our family. Normally Charles would look these kids up and get us more information so we could decide if we wanted to proceed, but the other development that came up a day or two later has put that on hold.
THE SECOND DEVELOPMENT
It turns out that the current foster placement for N and R is not working out well. They have been there for seven years but for one reason or another, social services’ efforts to proceed to adoption have stalled twice. Social services also feels that it may not be a healthy environment for the kids, so they wanted to know if we would consider taking N and R in if it were decided they needed to be removed. Of course we said we would be happy to have them. It would take a little adjustment since we were planning on only one child. We have only one bedroom set up so they would either have to share a room (which we'd rather not do - teenagers need their space) or we would give up our office and turn it into a second bedroom. It's definitely not decided yet though. Social services wants to make this work if possible and I believe the foster parents want to make it work as well. They will need to make some changes though, so we'll see if the foster parents are willing to do what it would take to keep them in the home. In the meantime we've agreed to suspend our search for another child for six weeks while they decide if N and R need to be removed. Social services has agreed to give us weekly updates, but at this point it's out of our hands so it's a wait-and-see situation for us.
A TWIST
One other twist came up at our last meeting as well. Charles told us he will be leaving Family Builders. It seems that Pride & Joy, the program that he directs, is funded by grants and due to the current economic climate it is unlikely that they will be renewed. Although the grants won't run out until December, he has already gotten a new position in Santa Cruz. At this point, I don't know if Family Builders will be able to sustain the Pride & Joy program, but hopefully they will still be able to recruit families interested in providing homes for LGBT kids. As for us, we will have to be assigned a new social worker. Since we have been working with N and R and their social worker, Gloria, she will be taking us on. She is very experienced so I'm sure we're in good hands.
More later, once we start getting updates!
THE FIRST DEVELOPMENT
We had previously told our social worker, Charles, that we are interested in expanding our search to include younger kids, but since we had originally gone through the Pride & Joy program we didn't learn the process for looking up youth in the foster system database. He had us come in one morning so we could discuss it and take a look at the online database. There is a public website available that lists a couple hundred kids in foster care with a short bio and their picture, but there are a lot more kids on the private website who, for whatever reasons, they don't want on the public site. They are accessible only by the social workers, and these were the kids we got to take a look at. We spent about an hour looking at the various profiles but didn't make notes on the ones we were interested in learning more about so we had to go back and do it over. Of course, we had to get back to work so we were kind of rushed, but we did identify five boys that each seemed like a good fit for our family. Normally Charles would look these kids up and get us more information so we could decide if we wanted to proceed, but the other development that came up a day or two later has put that on hold.
THE SECOND DEVELOPMENT
It turns out that the current foster placement for N and R is not working out well. They have been there for seven years but for one reason or another, social services’ efforts to proceed to adoption have stalled twice. Social services also feels that it may not be a healthy environment for the kids, so they wanted to know if we would consider taking N and R in if it were decided they needed to be removed. Of course we said we would be happy to have them. It would take a little adjustment since we were planning on only one child. We have only one bedroom set up so they would either have to share a room (which we'd rather not do - teenagers need their space) or we would give up our office and turn it into a second bedroom. It's definitely not decided yet though. Social services wants to make this work if possible and I believe the foster parents want to make it work as well. They will need to make some changes though, so we'll see if the foster parents are willing to do what it would take to keep them in the home. In the meantime we've agreed to suspend our search for another child for six weeks while they decide if N and R need to be removed. Social services has agreed to give us weekly updates, but at this point it's out of our hands so it's a wait-and-see situation for us.
A TWIST
One other twist came up at our last meeting as well. Charles told us he will be leaving Family Builders. It seems that Pride & Joy, the program that he directs, is funded by grants and due to the current economic climate it is unlikely that they will be renewed. Although the grants won't run out until December, he has already gotten a new position in Santa Cruz. At this point, I don't know if Family Builders will be able to sustain the Pride & Joy program, but hopefully they will still be able to recruit families interested in providing homes for LGBT kids. As for us, we will have to be assigned a new social worker. Since we have been working with N and R and their social worker, Gloria, she will be taking us on. She is very experienced so I'm sure we're in good hands.
More later, once we start getting updates!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
AN EXCITING WEEKEND
RESPITE CARE
The past week or so has been a total whirlwind on the foster care/adoption front. The first item is that Chris and I hosted two kids at our home last weekend for respite care. Kids who are in foster care can only stay overnight with people who are licensed foster parents. When most parents need a break they would take the kids to grandma’s for the weekend, or let them stay at a friend’s house, but you can’t do that in foster care. So frequently social workers will arrange for respite care, which allows the foster parent to take a break while the kids stay with another foster family for a few days. Our social worker approached us about two weeks ago to see if we would be interested in providing respite care for two brothers over the weekend. For privacy, I won’t post the kids’ names or pictures here, but their initials are N (the older brother, age 15) and R (the younger brother, age 11). We decided to go ahead and host them, and although we were really nervous at first, we had a great time. Here’s how it went.
FRIDAY
The kids’ foster mother dropped them off at our house on Friday afternoon and we showed them to their rooms. Since we have been planning on adopting only one child, we only have one room set up as a bedroom with one queen size bed. In order to accommodate another child we set up an air mattress in our office. N, being such a good big brother, let R take the room with the bed and N took the air mattress.
Once their foster mother left it was a little weird trying to make conversation at first. But they were both very polite, well-behaved and articulate so we chatted for a little while and learned a little more about each other. We let them settle in a bit and they wanted to play Xbox, so they played videogames for a while in the family room while Chris and I did our own thing. I was in our bedroom, probably updating my status on Facebook, and after a little while I heard the machine gun fire stop and heard someone start playing the keyboard we keep in our family room. It turns out they have a piano at home and N taught himself to play Fur Elise using an application on his iPhone. Honestly, he played it so well I was surprised that it was the only song he could play. I assumed that he must have been playing for years. Apparently he inspired R to play too because we found out R has been taking piano lessons, and although he hasn’t learned to play any songs yet, he says he’s getting good at practicing scales! The boys had already eaten dinner so Chris and I made sandwiches for ourselves, and a couple of hours later we were all ready for a snack. We decided to take the kids out for frozen yogurt, which gave us a chance to talk with them a little more as we walked around downtown Walnut Creek. We got home and spent a low key evening with the kids continuing their game of Call of Duty and I think I remember hearing an alien from Halo at some point too.
SATURDAY
Saturday morning we all slept in until 9 AM when we finally got up and had breakfast. Chris and I are used to just grabbing a breakfast bar in the morning while we get ready for work, but Chris had actually gone out and bought some cereal that was a little sweet, but definitely healthier than the cereals I remember eating when I was a kid. After breakfast we piled into the car and drove up north to Guerneville and the Russian River. We had some good conversations on the way up, especially once we passed Marine World in Vallejo. We now know all of each other’s favorite rides and all the rides that make us sick (teacups… eww). When we weren’t talking we listened to the radio, and N chose one of the urban/hip hop stations which was an experience for me and Chris. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to that genre of music, and apparently it’s been longer than I realized. I don’t remember turning into an old fuddy duddy, but I was really shocked by some of the lyrics! In my day, yes, the songs were often about sex, but they used euphemisms and we kind of had to figure out what they were talking about. Now they lay it right out for you, with no imagination necessary. Well, we made up for it later by playing show tunes on the way home. There was a little bit of a compromise since the music was from the show “In The Heights”, but the music is definitely geared for musical theater fans with a little hip hop added, rather than for hip hop fans with a little musical theater added. The kids were very polite about it though. I think they put on their iPods when the show tunes came on.
So back to Guerneville… once we got there we stopped at Safeway and got some sandwiches for lunch, then walked over to Johnson’s Beach and ate our lunches on a picnic blanket on the beach. After we ate we rented a canoe and took it out on the river. The kids said they had never been canoeing before, so Chris and I paddled upriver for a while, then let them take the oars and taught them how to row and steer. We pulled over for a bit and they went swimming in the river. Again, they were super-cooperative…. They didn’t complain about wearing their life vests while swimming (we wanted to be extra careful while they were in our care and not give social services a reason to be upset with us).
After we got back to shore we hopped back in the car to head home. However, we wanted to make one more stop. At some point during the day, R had asked where the river runs to, so we told him we’d show him. We drove to the town of Jenner where the Russian River empties into the ocean. It was a little cool and foggy but not too bad that day. The waves were absolutely huge, which made me a little nervous, but the kids stayed up on the flat part of the beach like we told them to (the waves can be dangerous all over the bay Area… people walking at the water’s edge can be swept out to sea with no warning).
The ride back home was long but in some ways it was the best part of the day. It was the first time the kids initiated conversation with us on their own, which told us they were feeling more comfortable with us. Up until then, all conversations began with our prompting them, but they starting asking us questions and talking to us of their own accord, which felt pretty cool!
We finally got home after stopping at Safeway again to pick up items for make-your-own-boboli-pizzas. The kids came up with good ideas for their toppings – sausage, mushrooms, red bell peppers and bacon. I had never had bacon on a pizza and it was so good it made me wonder why I’ve never had it before! I returned the favor by making something yummy for dessert that they had never had before. I made regular chocolate pudding but I took a bowlful of Cool Whip and folded in a tablespoon of peanut butter and spooned it on top of the pudding. Everyone loved it!
SUNDAY
Sunday was much more laid back. We got up again at 9 AM but decided to spend the day doing something low key and relaxing. We ended up going to the movies to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The boys were looking forward to seeing it (R had already read the entire Harry Potter series) so they decided they didn’t want to wait another week for it to come out on IMAX.
After the movie we walked around downtown Walnut Creek and got lunch at one of the old-time diners, then basically hung out at home for the rest of the afternoon. We had planned to bring them back home at 4 PM, so we packed the kids up and dropped them off with their father and made sure they knew they were welcome back anytime.
We were really thrilled we ad the chance to meet these wonderful kids and help out a little. We’re hoping we’ll get to see more of them! There were a few other big things to happen in the past week, but I'll write about those in my next post.
The past week or so has been a total whirlwind on the foster care/adoption front. The first item is that Chris and I hosted two kids at our home last weekend for respite care. Kids who are in foster care can only stay overnight with people who are licensed foster parents. When most parents need a break they would take the kids to grandma’s for the weekend, or let them stay at a friend’s house, but you can’t do that in foster care. So frequently social workers will arrange for respite care, which allows the foster parent to take a break while the kids stay with another foster family for a few days. Our social worker approached us about two weeks ago to see if we would be interested in providing respite care for two brothers over the weekend. For privacy, I won’t post the kids’ names or pictures here, but their initials are N (the older brother, age 15) and R (the younger brother, age 11). We decided to go ahead and host them, and although we were really nervous at first, we had a great time. Here’s how it went.
FRIDAY
The kids’ foster mother dropped them off at our house on Friday afternoon and we showed them to their rooms. Since we have been planning on adopting only one child, we only have one room set up as a bedroom with one queen size bed. In order to accommodate another child we set up an air mattress in our office. N, being such a good big brother, let R take the room with the bed and N took the air mattress.
Once their foster mother left it was a little weird trying to make conversation at first. But they were both very polite, well-behaved and articulate so we chatted for a little while and learned a little more about each other. We let them settle in a bit and they wanted to play Xbox, so they played videogames for a while in the family room while Chris and I did our own thing. I was in our bedroom, probably updating my status on Facebook, and after a little while I heard the machine gun fire stop and heard someone start playing the keyboard we keep in our family room. It turns out they have a piano at home and N taught himself to play Fur Elise using an application on his iPhone. Honestly, he played it so well I was surprised that it was the only song he could play. I assumed that he must have been playing for years. Apparently he inspired R to play too because we found out R has been taking piano lessons, and although he hasn’t learned to play any songs yet, he says he’s getting good at practicing scales! The boys had already eaten dinner so Chris and I made sandwiches for ourselves, and a couple of hours later we were all ready for a snack. We decided to take the kids out for frozen yogurt, which gave us a chance to talk with them a little more as we walked around downtown Walnut Creek. We got home and spent a low key evening with the kids continuing their game of Call of Duty and I think I remember hearing an alien from Halo at some point too.
SATURDAY
Saturday morning we all slept in until 9 AM when we finally got up and had breakfast. Chris and I are used to just grabbing a breakfast bar in the morning while we get ready for work, but Chris had actually gone out and bought some cereal that was a little sweet, but definitely healthier than the cereals I remember eating when I was a kid. After breakfast we piled into the car and drove up north to Guerneville and the Russian River. We had some good conversations on the way up, especially once we passed Marine World in Vallejo. We now know all of each other’s favorite rides and all the rides that make us sick (teacups… eww). When we weren’t talking we listened to the radio, and N chose one of the urban/hip hop stations which was an experience for me and Chris. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to that genre of music, and apparently it’s been longer than I realized. I don’t remember turning into an old fuddy duddy, but I was really shocked by some of the lyrics! In my day, yes, the songs were often about sex, but they used euphemisms and we kind of had to figure out what they were talking about. Now they lay it right out for you, with no imagination necessary. Well, we made up for it later by playing show tunes on the way home. There was a little bit of a compromise since the music was from the show “In The Heights”, but the music is definitely geared for musical theater fans with a little hip hop added, rather than for hip hop fans with a little musical theater added. The kids were very polite about it though. I think they put on their iPods when the show tunes came on.
So back to Guerneville… once we got there we stopped at Safeway and got some sandwiches for lunch, then walked over to Johnson’s Beach and ate our lunches on a picnic blanket on the beach. After we ate we rented a canoe and took it out on the river. The kids said they had never been canoeing before, so Chris and I paddled upriver for a while, then let them take the oars and taught them how to row and steer. We pulled over for a bit and they went swimming in the river. Again, they were super-cooperative…. They didn’t complain about wearing their life vests while swimming (we wanted to be extra careful while they were in our care and not give social services a reason to be upset with us).
After we got back to shore we hopped back in the car to head home. However, we wanted to make one more stop. At some point during the day, R had asked where the river runs to, so we told him we’d show him. We drove to the town of Jenner where the Russian River empties into the ocean. It was a little cool and foggy but not too bad that day. The waves were absolutely huge, which made me a little nervous, but the kids stayed up on the flat part of the beach like we told them to (the waves can be dangerous all over the bay Area… people walking at the water’s edge can be swept out to sea with no warning).
The ride back home was long but in some ways it was the best part of the day. It was the first time the kids initiated conversation with us on their own, which told us they were feeling more comfortable with us. Up until then, all conversations began with our prompting them, but they starting asking us questions and talking to us of their own accord, which felt pretty cool!
We finally got home after stopping at Safeway again to pick up items for make-your-own-boboli-pizzas. The kids came up with good ideas for their toppings – sausage, mushrooms, red bell peppers and bacon. I had never had bacon on a pizza and it was so good it made me wonder why I’ve never had it before! I returned the favor by making something yummy for dessert that they had never had before. I made regular chocolate pudding but I took a bowlful of Cool Whip and folded in a tablespoon of peanut butter and spooned it on top of the pudding. Everyone loved it!
SUNDAY
Sunday was much more laid back. We got up again at 9 AM but decided to spend the day doing something low key and relaxing. We ended up going to the movies to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The boys were looking forward to seeing it (R had already read the entire Harry Potter series) so they decided they didn’t want to wait another week for it to come out on IMAX.
After the movie we walked around downtown Walnut Creek and got lunch at one of the old-time diners, then basically hung out at home for the rest of the afternoon. We had planned to bring them back home at 4 PM, so we packed the kids up and dropped them off with their father and made sure they knew they were welcome back anytime.
We were really thrilled we ad the chance to meet these wonderful kids and help out a little. We’re hoping we’ll get to see more of them! There were a few other big things to happen in the past week, but I'll write about those in my next post.
Friday, July 17, 2009
ANOTHER BIG DISAPPOINTMENT
Again it has been a while since I've posted here, not so much out of neglect but out of frustration. For the past few weeks my heart hasn't really been in it, and by that I mean the whole process, because of another big disappointment we suffered recently.
The last time I posted we were looking at a ten-year-old boy who seemed to be good match for us. Despite my better judgment I did allow myself to get attached to this boy we had never met. After hearing from his social worker we were under the impression that everything was a go and that all we needed to do was to set up a meeting with her to learn more about him and decide if we wanted to proceed. We waited patiently for her to contact us to set up an appointment to meet, since I had already been gently admonished for being too aggressive with the social workers (i.e. pushy). However while I was politely waiting to hear from her she set up a meeting with another family who then decided to proceed with matching. It felt like we were being strung along for weeks and were not dealt with in good faith. I don't think I would have been so upset if she had just been straightforward with us and told us from the start that we were the backup family, but instead she let us believe that the only thing standing in the way was this meeting. It took a few weeks before I was ready to talk about it and to let our own social worker Charles know we were ready to move on. Clearly I'm still upset about the whole situation, but we are ready now to get back on the horse and find out about other possible placements.
AN INTERESTING WEEKEND
Charles has recently mentioned that he has identified a few youths who might be of interest to us, so we’re interested to see what he has found out. He also contacted us yesterday about a couple of boys, ages 15 and 11, who are already in a long term foster placement but who are having a bit of a hard time with their foster family lately and need a respite break. Apparently this is pretty common in foster care. Foster parents will often help each other out by watching other families' kids for an evening or a weekend. Charles asked if we'd be able to take them next weekend and although I was hesitant at first, after talking about it with Chris we decided we would consider it. We will be seeing Charles tomorrow at a Family Builders social event so we'll be able to ask questions and decide if we want to do this. Although we’re curious about what type of problems they are having with their family, we are approaching the situation with cautious optimism. We were thinking it might be nice to drive them up to the Russian River next Saturday, but the reality is that we might not be able to take them out of county, in which case we’ll find something local to do. I guess we'll find out tomorrow!
By the way, thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. Your support really means a lot to us. This is going to be one lucky kid - he's going to have the best aunties and uncles in the world!
The last time I posted we were looking at a ten-year-old boy who seemed to be good match for us. Despite my better judgment I did allow myself to get attached to this boy we had never met. After hearing from his social worker we were under the impression that everything was a go and that all we needed to do was to set up a meeting with her to learn more about him and decide if we wanted to proceed. We waited patiently for her to contact us to set up an appointment to meet, since I had already been gently admonished for being too aggressive with the social workers (i.e. pushy). However while I was politely waiting to hear from her she set up a meeting with another family who then decided to proceed with matching. It felt like we were being strung along for weeks and were not dealt with in good faith. I don't think I would have been so upset if she had just been straightforward with us and told us from the start that we were the backup family, but instead she let us believe that the only thing standing in the way was this meeting. It took a few weeks before I was ready to talk about it and to let our own social worker Charles know we were ready to move on. Clearly I'm still upset about the whole situation, but we are ready now to get back on the horse and find out about other possible placements.
AN INTERESTING WEEKEND
Charles has recently mentioned that he has identified a few youths who might be of interest to us, so we’re interested to see what he has found out. He also contacted us yesterday about a couple of boys, ages 15 and 11, who are already in a long term foster placement but who are having a bit of a hard time with their foster family lately and need a respite break. Apparently this is pretty common in foster care. Foster parents will often help each other out by watching other families' kids for an evening or a weekend. Charles asked if we'd be able to take them next weekend and although I was hesitant at first, after talking about it with Chris we decided we would consider it. We will be seeing Charles tomorrow at a Family Builders social event so we'll be able to ask questions and decide if we want to do this. Although we’re curious about what type of problems they are having with their family, we are approaching the situation with cautious optimism. We were thinking it might be nice to drive them up to the Russian River next Saturday, but the reality is that we might not be able to take them out of county, in which case we’ll find something local to do. I guess we'll find out tomorrow!
By the way, thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. Your support really means a lot to us. This is going to be one lucky kid - he's going to have the best aunties and uncles in the world!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
MOVING AHEAD
Chris and I finally received some actual good news this week, which is much more encouraging than just the absence of bad news! On Tuesday we got an email from our social worker, Charles, asking us to call him. When we did he told us that he spoke with the social worker of the 10-year-old we are interested in. He said that she did not have any reservations about us as a placement for the child, including the fact that we are a same-sex couple and that we live 500 miles away. Apparently there are no family ties requiring him to stay in LA, so there's no problem moving out of the LA area. This also means that if we move ahead it would probably be a low-risk placement, since without close family it's unlikely that anyone would contest the placement. After hearing a relatively brief description of his situation and history, we didn't hesitate to tell Charles to proceed to the next step.
SETTING UP THE MEETINGS
Once Charles gets the go ahead, Chris and I can set up a time to have a telephone conference call with both social workers. This will be sort of an interview where the child's social worker gets to ask us questions to supplement what she knows about us from our home study, and where we get to ask more specific questions about the child. If after this meeting we decide we still want to proceed, we will set up a face-to-face "disclosure" meeting in LA where we can review all pertinent documentation like court records, medical records, education plans, etc. We would also try to plan to meet the youth while we're there. Usually families need to meet the child several times before a match is completed, and since he's so far away we want to make each trip to LA count!
As always, I will post more information as I get it. I'm hesitant to post the child's name yet, partly to preserve his anonymity and partly because I want to wait to see if this is really happening first. But once we know for sure you can bet I'll tell everyone all about him!
SETTING UP THE MEETINGS
Once Charles gets the go ahead, Chris and I can set up a time to have a telephone conference call with both social workers. This will be sort of an interview where the child's social worker gets to ask us questions to supplement what she knows about us from our home study, and where we get to ask more specific questions about the child. If after this meeting we decide we still want to proceed, we will set up a face-to-face "disclosure" meeting in LA where we can review all pertinent documentation like court records, medical records, education plans, etc. We would also try to plan to meet the youth while we're there. Usually families need to meet the child several times before a match is completed, and since he's so far away we want to make each trip to LA count!
As always, I will post more information as I get it. I'm hesitant to post the child's name yet, partly to preserve his anonymity and partly because I want to wait to see if this is really happening first. But once we know for sure you can bet I'll tell everyone all about him!
Friday, June 12, 2009
SOMETIMES NO NEWS REALLY IS GOOD NEWS
NOT A LOT TO REPORT
Another two weeks have gone by since my last post and still not a lot has happened. However the little that has happened so far has been encouraging. Our social worker, Charles, is still waiting to hear from the social worker of the 10-year-old in Los Angeles we're asking about. Basically she told Charles she would call him on Monday (i.e. four days ago) to discuss the youth. Charles has told us that this is a very good sign. If she weren't considering us as a placement for him she wouldn't call Charles to discuss it, she would just say no. In a brief email to Charles she also wanted to make sure we were aware that the youth's sexual orientation has not become evident yet (she mentions this because it does say in our home study that we are looking to adopt a gay youth, although we recently decided to expand our search), and that if we proceed we would need to come down to LA a few times to meet with him before he moves to the Bay Area. Again, this is encouraging because she wouldn't say this if we weren't being considered. Lastly, she did send Charles another email on Thursday apologizing for not calling when she said she would and saying that it is no reflection on our candidacy. Now it's just a matter of waiting for her to actually call!
TIME TO VENT
Now that we've been getting some fairly encouraging news though, I find myself back where I was the last time we were waiting to hear about a youth that we were interested in and which ultimately fell through. I'm actually reluctant to post about this possible new match for fear that I may jinx it, or at least that I may be reprimanded by well-meaning friends for getting my hopes up too soon. But carrying it around with me without verbalizing these feelings is going to make me explode!
Basically, whenever we do anything these days I think about how it will be different when we have a child. Will he like to travel as much as we do, and what destinations will be of interest to everyone? What foods will he like and dislike, and how will it affect our eating and shopping habits? What activities will we enjoy doing together? And of course, when I think about us going on a vacation or a shopping trip or an afternoon in the city with our future son, I can't help but imagine it's the boy whose picture we saw on the foster care website. I am trying to keep this in check, at least until we have met him and have gotten the go-ahead from his social worker, but that is definitely easier said than done. That’s probably the main reason why waiting for his social worker to contact us is so difficult… if this is not going to work, then don’t string us along. Just get it over with, like pulling off a band-aid, so we (or more accurately, I) don’t get attached before we’ve even met!
Hopefully we will hear from Charles today and get some good news before the weekend!
Another two weeks have gone by since my last post and still not a lot has happened. However the little that has happened so far has been encouraging. Our social worker, Charles, is still waiting to hear from the social worker of the 10-year-old in Los Angeles we're asking about. Basically she told Charles she would call him on Monday (i.e. four days ago) to discuss the youth. Charles has told us that this is a very good sign. If she weren't considering us as a placement for him she wouldn't call Charles to discuss it, she would just say no. In a brief email to Charles she also wanted to make sure we were aware that the youth's sexual orientation has not become evident yet (she mentions this because it does say in our home study that we are looking to adopt a gay youth, although we recently decided to expand our search), and that if we proceed we would need to come down to LA a few times to meet with him before he moves to the Bay Area. Again, this is encouraging because she wouldn't say this if we weren't being considered. Lastly, she did send Charles another email on Thursday apologizing for not calling when she said she would and saying that it is no reflection on our candidacy. Now it's just a matter of waiting for her to actually call!
TIME TO VENT
Now that we've been getting some fairly encouraging news though, I find myself back where I was the last time we were waiting to hear about a youth that we were interested in and which ultimately fell through. I'm actually reluctant to post about this possible new match for fear that I may jinx it, or at least that I may be reprimanded by well-meaning friends for getting my hopes up too soon. But carrying it around with me without verbalizing these feelings is going to make me explode!
Basically, whenever we do anything these days I think about how it will be different when we have a child. Will he like to travel as much as we do, and what destinations will be of interest to everyone? What foods will he like and dislike, and how will it affect our eating and shopping habits? What activities will we enjoy doing together? And of course, when I think about us going on a vacation or a shopping trip or an afternoon in the city with our future son, I can't help but imagine it's the boy whose picture we saw on the foster care website. I am trying to keep this in check, at least until we have met him and have gotten the go-ahead from his social worker, but that is definitely easier said than done. That’s probably the main reason why waiting for his social worker to contact us is so difficult… if this is not going to work, then don’t string us along. Just get it over with, like pulling off a band-aid, so we (or more accurately, I) don’t get attached before we’ve even met!
Hopefully we will hear from Charles today and get some good news before the weekend!
Monday, June 1, 2009
LATEST UPDATE
I realize it’s been over a month since I’ve posted anything, but there hasn't been much to report on. For the most part, Chris and I have just been waiting patiently these past few months for our social worker to give us the good news that he found a youth for us to adopt. Unfortunately that hasn't happened yet, but things have been picking up over the past two weeks.
When we first started this process I think we were under the assumption that there would be a huge number of kids available for adoption immediately and that they would be lined up waiting for us to choose one. After all, we have been looking to adopt a gay teenager, not exactly a demographic in high demand. However we are finding out that it's harder than we thought it would be to find a match. Maybe it's because the parameters of our search have been rather narrow, as we are specifically looking for a boy available for a single placement (no siblings). Regardless, it is taking longer to find a match than we expected, so Chris and I are now considering expanding our search to younger kids outside of Pride and Joy, i.e. not gay, or at least not old enough to identify one way or the other. We’re figuring that we will look for boys age 8-12, still with no siblings. We're not quite ready to take on 2 or more kids at once!
WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT A YOUNGER CHILD
Now that we are looking at younger kids, we did ask our social worker to find out about a boy that a friend of ours told us about. His profile had just been added to the foster care matching website and he did seem like a good match for us, at least from the one-paragraph description of him they posted. He's 10 years old and as far as we know he is not a Pride and Joy candidate but that's fine with us. Our social worker has already contacted his social worker, which is basically how all of our communication has to happen, and we are waiting to get more information so we can decide if we think he would be a good match. That is, if he would even be available to us, since he is located in Los Angeles and the last child from LA we asked about didn't want to move away.
TWO PRIDE AND JOY YOUTHS
In addition to the 10-year-old there have also been two Pride and Joy kids that have been brought to our attention in the past couple of weeks. One was living out of state and was being returned to the foster care system in the Bay Area and needed an emergency placement. Unfortunately there were a number of educational and behavioral issues that Chris and I didn't feel prepared to deal with. We also didn't want to be rushed into an emergency placement since we want to take our time and make sure any possible match will be a good one, so we decided not to proceed with this child. Of course we both felt bad about this but when I called the social worker the next day I was told that there was another family who wanted to take him in, so it seemed the situation was going to work out for everyone. As for the second youth, our social worker is still waiting to get more information about him. Hopefully we'll be hearing about him this week, but there's not much we can do other than wait patiently. I'll be sure to post any updates!
When we first started this process I think we were under the assumption that there would be a huge number of kids available for adoption immediately and that they would be lined up waiting for us to choose one. After all, we have been looking to adopt a gay teenager, not exactly a demographic in high demand. However we are finding out that it's harder than we thought it would be to find a match. Maybe it's because the parameters of our search have been rather narrow, as we are specifically looking for a boy available for a single placement (no siblings). Regardless, it is taking longer to find a match than we expected, so Chris and I are now considering expanding our search to younger kids outside of Pride and Joy, i.e. not gay, or at least not old enough to identify one way or the other. We’re figuring that we will look for boys age 8-12, still with no siblings. We're not quite ready to take on 2 or more kids at once!
WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT A YOUNGER CHILD
Now that we are looking at younger kids, we did ask our social worker to find out about a boy that a friend of ours told us about. His profile had just been added to the foster care matching website and he did seem like a good match for us, at least from the one-paragraph description of him they posted. He's 10 years old and as far as we know he is not a Pride and Joy candidate but that's fine with us. Our social worker has already contacted his social worker, which is basically how all of our communication has to happen, and we are waiting to get more information so we can decide if we think he would be a good match. That is, if he would even be available to us, since he is located in Los Angeles and the last child from LA we asked about didn't want to move away.
TWO PRIDE AND JOY YOUTHS
In addition to the 10-year-old there have also been two Pride and Joy kids that have been brought to our attention in the past couple of weeks. One was living out of state and was being returned to the foster care system in the Bay Area and needed an emergency placement. Unfortunately there were a number of educational and behavioral issues that Chris and I didn't feel prepared to deal with. We also didn't want to be rushed into an emergency placement since we want to take our time and make sure any possible match will be a good one, so we decided not to proceed with this child. Of course we both felt bad about this but when I called the social worker the next day I was told that there was another family who wanted to take him in, so it seemed the situation was going to work out for everyone. As for the second youth, our social worker is still waiting to get more information about him. Hopefully we'll be hearing about him this week, but there's not much we can do other than wait patiently. I'll be sure to post any updates!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Family Potluck
Saturday ended up providing, finally, beautiful weather for the Bay Area, and for Walnut Creek in particular. It turned out to be the perfect day for an outdoor party, and luckily for us we had one planned! After one previous failed attempt to gather the troops we finally had some of the other gay families from our adoption classes over for a potluck. We had hardly seen each other since our classes ended last fall and it was great to catch up. It was also helpful to hear about where everyone else is in their adoption journey. Because we are all looking for different kids (boys vs. girls, older vs. younger, singles vs. sibling sets, etc.) everyone has a different path they are following. It helped to be reminded that we aren't the only ones going through this long and sometimes emotionally challenging process. We also invited some friends who went through their training classes last year, and one of the couples has since adopted two brothers who are now two years old and eight months old. I think the situation worked out for everyone; the people without kids yet got their baby fixes and the parents had someone to keep the kiddos entertained so they could relax and have conversations with other adults.
I'm glad we were finally able to have everyone over. We are definitely looking forward to the next get-together, but next time we'll have to remember to take pictures!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Our First Disappointment
DISAPPOINTING NEWS
It has been several weeks since my first post, basically because we have been waiting to hear from the social worker of the Southern California youth we were interested in meeting. We finally got word yesterday that he does not want to move out of his area so it looks like that match is not going to happen. I have to say I was surprised how difficult it was to receive that news. Chris had warned me not to get my hopes too high since this particular match was not likely to happen due to the distance. But I couldn't help imagining that it was him who we would be bringing on our road trip to the Grand Canyon this fall, or who we would sit with at the dining room table to help with his homework. Now that the match has fallen through there's a real sense of loss there, even though we've never met.
On the brighter side, the process should be a bit easier now, and dare I say quicker, working with a youth from our local area. It will be easier to set up disclosure meetings and to meet the youth several times before he moves in. I've been cheering myself up by saying that this whole turn of events just means that the son we were meant to have is closer than we thought. I just hope that the boy in So Cal knows that there's someone out there who wanted him to be in their family.
It has been several weeks since my first post, basically because we have been waiting to hear from the social worker of the Southern California youth we were interested in meeting. We finally got word yesterday that he does not want to move out of his area so it looks like that match is not going to happen. I have to say I was surprised how difficult it was to receive that news. Chris had warned me not to get my hopes too high since this particular match was not likely to happen due to the distance. But I couldn't help imagining that it was him who we would be bringing on our road trip to the Grand Canyon this fall, or who we would sit with at the dining room table to help with his homework. Now that the match has fallen through there's a real sense of loss there, even though we've never met.
On the brighter side, the process should be a bit easier now, and dare I say quicker, working with a youth from our local area. It will be easier to set up disclosure meetings and to meet the youth several times before he moves in. I've been cheering myself up by saying that this whole turn of events just means that the son we were meant to have is closer than we thought. I just hope that the boy in So Cal knows that there's someone out there who wanted him to be in their family.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Our Adoption Journey
So by now, most of our friends and family know that Chris and I are in the process of adopting. In fact, it was their frequent inquiries into where we are on the adoption journey that prompted me to finally begin writing the blog that I've been meaning to start since forever. I figure it will be so much easier to give folks the address to my blogsite than to give them the whole story every time someone asks. And who knows, I may be tempted to keep the blog up and continue writing about everything else going on in our lives. But for those who know me, you realize I can make no promises about that.
LET’S START AT THE VERY BEGINNING
Ok, no Julie Andrews jokes, or for you older queens, Mary Martin... although the beginning IS a good place to start. Well, maybe not the very beginning but at least the beginning of when Chris and I decided to go ahead with the adoption process. We had actually discussed adoption relatively early in our relationship, maybe about a year or two in. We didn't really go into specifics but we identified two options that we would both be happy with: adopting either a child around kindergarten age, or a teenager (neither of us was thrilled with the thought of changing diapers). As fate would have it, however, our lives took a different turn together and kids weren’t in the picture. I decided to go to graduate school (and post-graduate school) for the next six years. We sold our home and moved to Palm Springs, then about ten months later moved into an apartment back in San Francisco. Not really a stable time to embark on such a challenging journey as adoption. Eventually our lives settled down, but by then we were quite a bit older and didn't feel that adopting a younger child was still a good idea for us. We figured that someday we could still look into adopting a teenager.
PRIDE AND JOY
It was now summer of 2008 and Chris and I started noticing ads on the subway for Family Builders, an organization that works with the various California counties to find permanent families for kids in foster care. What really caught our eye were the ads for a program within Family Builders called Pride and Joy, which finds supportive permanent families specifically for LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) youth in foster care. They were the cutest ads: a mom is holding up a framed photo of her (presumably) adopted son, dressed up in a tux and getting kissed on the cheek by his prom date - another BOY! We decided that we wanted to provide a safe and supportive home for a gay youth and gave Family Builders a call.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS
There is typically a period of about six months between when a child is placed in a home and the adoption is finalized. The child is still technically in foster care, and for that reason, prospective adoptive parents have to be certified as foster parents. It is quite a lengthy, thorough and intrusive process, and practically everyone I've talked to about it has said it should be a requirement for all birth parents too. I am convinced that if it were, there would be a lot fewer kids in foster care. It started off with an initial interview with our social worker, Charles, where he came to our home to talk to us about how the program works and what we would need to do. After that, the next few months were pretty intense. We had to fill out a stack of forms, get fingerprinted, give several references, attend three full-day trainings and a panel discussion, get certified in CPR and first aid, pass a home inspection, and participate in 8-10 hours of one-on-one and couple interviews with another social worker at our home. At the end of the whole process the home study social worker writes a report that basically summarizes who we are as individuals and as a family and we then have to check it for accuracy and sign off on it. This is where we are right now. We finally signed off on our home study a few weeks ago. From the beginning to this point has taken about six months, although there had been some delay because things slowed down a bit over the holidays. Now we just have to wait for the next step.
THE NEXT STEP
Now that we have completed our home study and have signed off on everything we are ready for the search process. Basically our social worker sends our information out to other social workers in the area and they try to match us up with a compatible youth who is looking for a family. If it looks like they have found someone who might be a match they will send us a paragraph or two about him to see if we are interested in learning more. If we would like to find out more about him then we will set up a disclosure meeting.
At the disclosure meeting we learn the youth's whole story - family history, medical conditions, disciplinary issues, academic records, etc. From what I've been told this meeting can be a little difficult. That's when a lot of the optimism of adoption is challenged by reality: these kids are coming from difficult and often traumatic situations and, let's face it, they are going to have some issues. But I'm reminded of something that one of the guest panelists said at one of our training classes. She was a young adult who grew up in foster care and she remembered always being afraid of making a mistake that would end up in her file and make her unadoptable. She reminded each of us in the audience that if someone were keeping track of everything we've ever done wrong, who would want us? That is something I won't want to forget once we get to disclosure. Although childhood is getting further and further away, Chris and I do remember what it was like to be teenagers, so we plan to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone we might be matched with. For us the most important thing is to find someone who wants to be part of a family.
MEETING OUR CHILD
Once we complete the disclosure process and decide to move ahead, the next step will be to meet the youth. Usually it is a gradual transition: we meet him first with his social worker there, on another day we spend the day together, later he can spend the weekend at our house. If everyone feels good about the match then we make it official. He would move in and we would be his foster parents until he becomes legally eligible for adoption, at which time we can adopt him if that's what everybody wants. Regardless, we would be his permanent family: somewhere to crash over college breaks, or a home to go to for the holidays, or a place to live if he's not ready to make it on his own. These days a parent's support doesn't necessarily end at 18.
So that's where we are now, finished with our home study and about to start the matching process. A very exciting time! I'll be able to post any new developments here and hope it will help to keep our family and friends in the loop.
For now, I can say there is one young man we are looking forward to learning more about. He lives in the Los Angeles area which does present some challenges in setting up our initial meetings. But from what we already know about him he sounds like a great kid and he would be worth the extra effort! I'll let everyone know how it works out!
LET’S START AT THE VERY BEGINNING
Ok, no Julie Andrews jokes, or for you older queens, Mary Martin... although the beginning IS a good place to start. Well, maybe not the very beginning but at least the beginning of when Chris and I decided to go ahead with the adoption process. We had actually discussed adoption relatively early in our relationship, maybe about a year or two in. We didn't really go into specifics but we identified two options that we would both be happy with: adopting either a child around kindergarten age, or a teenager (neither of us was thrilled with the thought of changing diapers). As fate would have it, however, our lives took a different turn together and kids weren’t in the picture. I decided to go to graduate school (and post-graduate school) for the next six years. We sold our home and moved to Palm Springs, then about ten months later moved into an apartment back in San Francisco. Not really a stable time to embark on such a challenging journey as adoption. Eventually our lives settled down, but by then we were quite a bit older and didn't feel that adopting a younger child was still a good idea for us. We figured that someday we could still look into adopting a teenager.
PRIDE AND JOY
It was now summer of 2008 and Chris and I started noticing ads on the subway for Family Builders, an organization that works with the various California counties to find permanent families for kids in foster care. What really caught our eye were the ads for a program within Family Builders called Pride and Joy, which finds supportive permanent families specifically for LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) youth in foster care. They were the cutest ads: a mom is holding up a framed photo of her (presumably) adopted son, dressed up in a tux and getting kissed on the cheek by his prom date - another BOY! We decided that we wanted to provide a safe and supportive home for a gay youth and gave Family Builders a call.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS
There is typically a period of about six months between when a child is placed in a home and the adoption is finalized. The child is still technically in foster care, and for that reason, prospective adoptive parents have to be certified as foster parents. It is quite a lengthy, thorough and intrusive process, and practically everyone I've talked to about it has said it should be a requirement for all birth parents too. I am convinced that if it were, there would be a lot fewer kids in foster care. It started off with an initial interview with our social worker, Charles, where he came to our home to talk to us about how the program works and what we would need to do. After that, the next few months were pretty intense. We had to fill out a stack of forms, get fingerprinted, give several references, attend three full-day trainings and a panel discussion, get certified in CPR and first aid, pass a home inspection, and participate in 8-10 hours of one-on-one and couple interviews with another social worker at our home. At the end of the whole process the home study social worker writes a report that basically summarizes who we are as individuals and as a family and we then have to check it for accuracy and sign off on it. This is where we are right now. We finally signed off on our home study a few weeks ago. From the beginning to this point has taken about six months, although there had been some delay because things slowed down a bit over the holidays. Now we just have to wait for the next step.
THE NEXT STEP
Now that we have completed our home study and have signed off on everything we are ready for the search process. Basically our social worker sends our information out to other social workers in the area and they try to match us up with a compatible youth who is looking for a family. If it looks like they have found someone who might be a match they will send us a paragraph or two about him to see if we are interested in learning more. If we would like to find out more about him then we will set up a disclosure meeting.
At the disclosure meeting we learn the youth's whole story - family history, medical conditions, disciplinary issues, academic records, etc. From what I've been told this meeting can be a little difficult. That's when a lot of the optimism of adoption is challenged by reality: these kids are coming from difficult and often traumatic situations and, let's face it, they are going to have some issues. But I'm reminded of something that one of the guest panelists said at one of our training classes. She was a young adult who grew up in foster care and she remembered always being afraid of making a mistake that would end up in her file and make her unadoptable. She reminded each of us in the audience that if someone were keeping track of everything we've ever done wrong, who would want us? That is something I won't want to forget once we get to disclosure. Although childhood is getting further and further away, Chris and I do remember what it was like to be teenagers, so we plan to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone we might be matched with. For us the most important thing is to find someone who wants to be part of a family.
MEETING OUR CHILD
Once we complete the disclosure process and decide to move ahead, the next step will be to meet the youth. Usually it is a gradual transition: we meet him first with his social worker there, on another day we spend the day together, later he can spend the weekend at our house. If everyone feels good about the match then we make it official. He would move in and we would be his foster parents until he becomes legally eligible for adoption, at which time we can adopt him if that's what everybody wants. Regardless, we would be his permanent family: somewhere to crash over college breaks, or a home to go to for the holidays, or a place to live if he's not ready to make it on his own. These days a parent's support doesn't necessarily end at 18.
So that's where we are now, finished with our home study and about to start the matching process. A very exciting time! I'll be able to post any new developments here and hope it will help to keep our family and friends in the loop.
For now, I can say there is one young man we are looking forward to learning more about. He lives in the Los Angeles area which does present some challenges in setting up our initial meetings. But from what we already know about him he sounds like a great kid and he would be worth the extra effort! I'll let everyone know how it works out!
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